BEWARE: The Dangers of Romance Via Text Messaging

I was inspired to write this post because of a recent text messaging mishap I had. I’m not sure if “mishap” is the correct word to use, but you decide. So, I am here at Denison doing research for the summer, and I often do research in the library. Some people don’t know this, but the library is a dangerous place to go if you are young and single. Last semester, a boy hit on me with the pick up line, “Excuse me, Are you related to Einstein? You just have this really intelligent energy about you.”  Yeah, that definitely wooed me…

Anyhow, I know Boy X on an acquaintance basis, and I see him a lot in the library. He’s kind of creepy, and I’m not interested in dating him at all. We have the general conversation: Hey! How are you? … etc. As I’m walking out of the gym last week, I run into him, and he asks me to come over for dinner. I thought that it might be a group dinner with a bunch of people, so I gave him my number to text me when it was ready (First mistake!). I decided not to go. Then on Thursday I get a text message, “Hey cutie, do you have a good memory?” So I’m just sitting there, and I don’t know what’s going on. So I ignored the message. Then, Friday he texts me again.

This young woman perfectly displays my look of disgust after recieving Boy X's creepy text messages. (http://news.indiainfo.com/2010/03/24/images/sexting1228917187_485.jpg)

 Here’s a brief summary of our exchange via text message:

Boy X: You know you’re breaking my heart.

Boy X: I feel bad right now :( (At this point I don’t know how to respond, but a guy friend suggests that I subtly turn him down and try not to hurt his feelings).

Me: Hey, I’m sorry. I’m not interested in dating anyone right now.

Boy X: Oh no, I don’t know if I’m interested in that. I just wanted to get to know you and see if you qualify. (Qualify for what?!)

Me: I’m not interested.

Boy X: I know how hot girls are. They try to play hard to get.

Here's my first question: What about my responses suggested that I was playing hard to get? It raised a lot of issues for me about men not taking no for an answer when a woman says she is not interested. From a perspective of rape and sexual assault, playing a "lovegame" of hard to get is not fun or funny. I think it goes back to the lure of the forbidden fruit. We want what we can't have, and I think that has dangerous implications when women are assaulted because a man just couldn't take no for an answer. This story from Dateline demonstrates what happens when sexual assault is NOT taken seriously, especially on college campuses.

Also, note to Boy X: That is not the way to romance a woman. I read this story about a man who proposed to his girlfriend by painting a mural on a street in New York City. Now that's romance, and it gave me hope that relationships aren't dissolving into creepy text messages and little face to face contact. While texting is fun, it has its consequences and has created a new language for some children and adults to be more cruel or daring via text message than they would be in person. I'm sure Boy X would not say those things to me in person, but maybe I would have been able to better get my point across that I'm not interested. I do not have the answers since as I write this I'm sure new technology is being created that pushes people further away from face to face conversations, but I can offer my own cautionary tale about the dangers of romance via text messaging. BEWARE!

True Romance does exist!

Another Reason to Admire Scandinavians

I'm currently obsessed with Peggy Orenstein's blog. She's a journalist, writer, and speaker on young girls, self-esteem, and girlie culture. I'm currently reading her book, Cinderella Ate My Daughter (More on that later). She posted this link on a Swedish clothing line that promotes unisex clothing. Another reason to love Scandinavia!

What if Cinderella just wanted to Hook Up with Prince Charming?

http://penglipurlara.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/disney-cinderella.jpg

A few weeks ago, I saw the film Water for Elephants starring Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson. In the film, Robert Pattinson’s Jacob discovers the dangers and excitement of circus life after his parents are killed in a car accident. He falls for the beautiful Marlena (Reese Witherspoon), the wife of the abusive and cruel ringmaster. I won’t spoil the ending, but I will say that Jacob takes extensive measures to prove his love and loyalty to Marlena. Yes, it isn’t the traditional boy meets girl, they date, and live happily ever after storyline, but there was something romantic and sweet about Jacob’s pursuit of Marlena. I left the theater thinking: How often do men pursue the women of their dreams in the modern dating world?

The fairy tale model where boy meets girl and they run off into the sunset has been twisted, revised, expanded, and turned upside down in recent films. Hook up culture doesn’t fit in well with the happily ever after messages we’re told when we’re young. Can you imagine Cinderella telling Prince Charming after he puts on her glass slipper that she would “just like to hook up and have meaningless fun for a few weeks and then find a new prince” instead of the magical kiss and marriage? I’m going to take a wild guess and say that version would not be popular with parents and young children. Yet, these are the messages young people are navigating through in the modern dating world.

While there is an archetype of the non-committal, sex-crazed male in films such as Knocked Up and American Pie, there are new male and female archetypes emerging to keep up with the changing dating climate. For example, in 500 Days of Summer, Joseph Gordon Levitt’s Tom declares his love for Summer when she openly admits that she doesn’t want a commitment. His heart is broken, yet their relationship I think offers a reality in the dating world. Sometimes things don’t work out, and sometimes one person has different expectations than the other person in a relationship. Tom loves Summer while she is hesitant and anti-committal.

Tom's seeing birds and leading a musical in the park while Summer isn't sharing the love...

http://www.wrensnestonline.com/blog/wp-content/500-days-of-summer1.jpg

The woman who just wants sex without the love is a rising female model Hollywood has used in the films No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits. I find it amusing that two films with the exact same plot have been released in the same year with actresses that starred in the same Oscar winning movie. While on the surface, the “new” Hollywood leading lady is career-driven and in charge of her sexuality. Yet, is this an empowering view of women? A woman that knows what she wants. I would say no since at the end of the movie she usually changes her mind and trades the career for love. While I think a woman has every right to enjoy her career and hook up, Hollywood films such as No Strings Attached just teach young people that a career is a substitute for a relationship and being in a relationship is of course the best judge of a woman’s character.

So, how do we make sense of these confusing messages? Should a woman wait for Prince Charming to arrive on his white horse? Should she engage in hook up culture? Should she find a “fun friend” to magically fall in love with after weeks of hooking up? Does this actually happen in real life!? I don’t think these answers are simple because I think our society has set up guidelines to punish a woman for whatever choice she makes. If she waits too long, she’ll become a spinster or a prude. Think about Kate Middleton a.k.a “Waity Katie” as deemed by the British press when Prince William wouldn’t propose to her. If she’s too quick to hook up, then she’s called a “slut.” She gets around “too much” and other women resent and judge her. This is a frustrating trap for me, and maybe one day I’ll just get to a point where I don’t care as much anymore.

Below are a few links on this topic:

A Wall Street Journal Blogger on women who want sex while a man wants commitment in Hollywood films.

A review of recent studies done about hooking up on college campuses.

A critique from Fox News about Hollywood's glamorization of domestic violence in teen romances on shows like Gossip Girl and Twilight.

A Round Up of New Links to Explore

I've been getting a lot of topics to post lately, so before I forget, here are some interesting links I've found. 


1. AOL Music interviewed Jordan Sparks about her recent body transformation and new song. While at first I was skeptical since so many celebrities have come out lately with dramatic weight loss news, I think Jordan Sparks offers a positive message, saying that she wanted to become active and get more energy for herself. Even if she had good intentions and feels better about herself, she cannot control the language that the media uses to discuss her weight loss. The article focuses on her new svelte figure and evolved image, manipulating Jordan's reasons for losing weight.


2. Is Beyonce becoming more "white"? Check out this image of her fourth album cover. When I first looked at it, I didn't recognize her. This is a common trend with female singers. For more information, look at this image of Shakira before fame and after fame.


3. Continuing with the topic of Beyonce, she's decided to fight childhood obesity with Michelle Obama through her song "Move Your Body." Click the link to see her music video. It frustrates me that childhood obesity is framed as a problem that needs fighting and that exercise seems to be the only "solution" discussed in conversations about body image.

http://www.dyfuse.com/files/images/beyonce-move-your-body-video.preview.jpg

4. In recent studies about "Why Women Have Sex", researchers found that sex is more complicated for women, and that 1 in 3 women report feeling sad after having sex. The author considers the reasons why women have sex. For example, if a woman is having "revenge" sex, then maybe it explains why she is sad afterwards. Reading the comments below this article was enlightening because many of the readers feel the same way I do. One reader wrote, "Is it possible that women have the same sexual desires as any other species on the planet?" I agree. Can't a woman enjoy sex because of the same reasons as a man? Why are men allowed to have limitless desires while women must have reasons for having sex? 

The Differences Between a 'Homance' and a 'Bromance'

While reading reviews for the film Bridesmaids, I encountered the term “homance.” My immediate response was to google a “homance”, and the results were scarce. Urban dictionary offers two diverse definitions. It may mean a relationship between a pimp and his “ho”, but in the context of that article, it is supposed to be the female equivalent of a “bromance” or relationship between two straight males, that is “closer than friendship but less than a dating relationship.” Yet, a homance has different connotations than a bromance. 

When thinking about a bromance, the films, I Love You, Man, Pineapple Express, and The Hangover, come to mind. These characters are goofy, funny, and lovable. I think one reason why the term bromance is so popular is because it is an acceptable form of male friendship. These films have made bromances cool and funny as compared to a situation where two men are just hanging out together in regular friendship. Why? Well, there is still a stigma against two men being called gay if they spend too much time together. I would love a male perspective on this because I don't want to make generalizations.

When I think about a homance, I get stuck on the use of the term "ho" because I would never want to be called that. Why do women and men need to declare that they are in homances and bromances? My worry is that "homance" will become another word feminists need to reclaim after the media has used it to harm women and increase female competition. My inquiry about homances led me to a few articles about the current state of female relationships in films. While men bond through bromances in smash hits, women are tearing each other apart in films. For an example, take a look at Kate Hudson's new film, Something Borrowed. Could Bridesmaids be an exception or is it reinforcing a rule that women need to compete over beauty and men? I'll tell you what I think when I see it!

Can A Woman Be a Silver Fox?

A supermodel, Kristen McMenamy, has been popping up a lot in the news over the last couple of years for her return to the modeling industry. She is making headlines because she is 46-years-old and has long gray hair. Many articles have praised McMenamy for widening what the modeling industry views as beautiful. She is proud of her gray hair and wants to show it off, yet I'm not sold on her goal to empower women to flaunt their gray locks.

There are a few troubling aspects of this image of McMenamy in Italian Vogue that need to be addressed. First, her hair looks blond in this image. Her look has striking similarities to another famous idol. There is something unnerving about McMenamy's expression. She looks doll-like and lifeless. Is this the ideal woman men want? Her body also makes me uncomfortable because while she is 46-years-old, she looks like she is 20-years-old. This is a trend where women in their 40s have become the new 20s. A show that perpetuates that idea is Desperate Housewives. I remember when the show first aired how Teri Hatcher was hailed for being "sexy over 40." Their is not an embracing of the aging process, but a complete denial that it takes place. A woman cannot age gracefully because well, she is not allowed to age... at all.

While McMenamy may have broken a "rule" that women cannot have gray hair, she is still caught in society's obsession with a youthful look. This image of McMenamy makes that point. Another contradiction to McMenamy's appearance is her declaration that she dyes her hair. In an article on USAtoday.com, she shared that there is one stubborn streak of black that she must dye to give her the "natural" gray look. This is an obvious contradiction to me because she does not fully embrace her gray hair when she dyes it. 

Instead of starting a movement toward aging gracefully, McMenamy's gray hair has started a trend. Socialites and models, such as Pixie Geldof in the image below, are mimicking McMenamy's gray look, and I think losing a message that could be powerful. 

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghu5nIMeN241xeD4WYgLjb3c1NDqeXBT9QPBgoS_LPssbXpVCGIUKEbeDeetemEEq0L6pT8LI0kJY5LKlGsf-6V8PEITm1La2FvU-G8vT32O86sLAH_g3ZY6TusN2DzxQHZ6NLCaON5ao/s400/pixie-geldof-grey-hair-250x400.jpg

A young woman shared in an online blog that she learned to love her gray hair when she began noticing it at 14-years-old. She writes, "These days, most who comment on my hair compare me to the sexy, leather-clad character Rogue of the “X-Men” movies, and I never disabuse anyone of the notion that I am a superhero. My bad-ass world-saving name? Silver Fox, of course." It is possible for a woman to be a sexy, silver fox. 

Breaking Down the Barrier that Emotions Are 'Feminine'

One gender stereotype that I witness frequently is the belief that women are overly emotional. This stereotype is thriving in popular culture. The opening of Bridget Jones’s Diary is a perfect example where Bridget longingly sings to the camera that she is ‘All By Herself’ without a mate. There is also a scene from Glee where Rachel Berry asks guidance counselor, Emma, if ‘she’s ever liked someone so much that you’ve just wanted to lock yourself in your room, listen to sad music and cry.’ The screen quickly flashes to Emma crying in her car singing ‘All By Myself.’

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The act of being emotional is synonymous with being a woman or being ‘feminine.’ The type of emotions a woman is allowed to have is limited since she can express sadness but not anger or aggressions. Those feelings are reserved for men. This begins at a young age when boys are told they should not cry while girls are encouraged to share their emotions. Those stereotypes have detrimental effects on career opportunities for women. When a woman is seen as ‘overly emotional’, how can she be respected to make difficult decisions on behalf of others at a company?

Not only are emotions seen as ‘feminine’, they are also viewed as ‘bad’ or ‘inappropriate.’ Throughout this semester, I have felt pressured to be strong and keep pushing through the difficult moments with advice such as ‘You’re almost done’ and ‘It will be over soon.’ While those words of encouragement help, to be honest, I’m still very sad, frustrated, and angry about many of the circumstances that were forced onto me this semester. While I will be ‘fine’, I’m not right now, yet, I feel the pressure to put a smile on my face and carry on. I imagine a better world where men and women are more comfortable sharing their emotions and less willing to put on shows for the people in front of them. Yes, the truth hurts sometimes, but I’ve learned this semester that I want to know the truth about people. I’d rather have genuine, strong people surrounding me that like the ‘real’ me.